How to move on from a break-up

With Valentine's Day fast approaching, it can be an lonesome day for some people who are single, especially if they have recently gone through a break-up.

Today I am joined by Sarah, a coach who specialises in supporting women after a break-up, who is sharing her tips on moving on after a break-up.

Sarah, please could you introduce yourself?

I’m Sarah, and I support women in building a life they love following a break-up. Personal experience has taught me that a break-up can be one of the most traumatic experiences we go through as women. However, with the right support, it can actually be the making of us.

I have a diploma in Nutrition and Lifestyle Coaching, and am currently qualifying specifically as a break-up and divorce coach, so my qualifications and skills allow me to incorporate techniques to help women to thrive in every aspect of their well-being. 

I think almost every single one of us will have gone through a break-up at some point in their life and we all know how painful they can be. They can have a huge impact on our lives and our self-esteem, why do you think this is?

I think you’re absolutely right - break-ups can have a huge impact on our lives. In terms of self-esteem, a lot of this can come back to the fear of rejection. It feels incredibly personal and we can ask questions such as, ‘why didn’t he/ she want me? Why wasn’t I enough? What does their new partner offer that I couldn’t?’ Rejection is a very primal fear and it’s not surprising that we mistakenly feel like a break-up says something about what must be lacking in us.

Another huge impact, I think, is the loss of potential. When we grieve the loss of a relationship, there is so much more involved than just losing that person. That’s hard enough, as well as factoring in the other losses such as friendship groups and even a second family. What can really sting, though, is the loss of potential. The loss of hope for the future - of everything you thought that relationship was going to be. That pain can feel every bit as real as the loss of the person themselves. 

I couldn’t agree more, especially with the loss of potential. It almost feels like you have to rebuild your life. How can we recover from that pain?

I think it’s so important to hold on to the absolute truth that you WILL get through this, and you WILL be ok. In fact, you’ll be more than ok! You can be happy, excited for your future and absolutely in love with your life! It’s important to take this step by step, and that’s what I take women through in my HEART recovery programme.

First, we ‘heal’. A mantra I adopted during my own break-up was ‘we repeat what we don’t repair’. At first, I applied this to my ex, and focused on the mistakes that he was destined to repeat if he didn’t dig deep on his issues. After a little while I realised that actually, my time and energy would be far better spent if I applied this to myself. It’s so important that we get to the root of any issues we may have so that we can move forward with our lives with more self-awareness.

Next, we ‘establish’. We put into place habits that support our recovery and the life we want to build. This stage is invaluable in repairing our self-esteem and building self-trust.

Then, we ‘align’. We get clear on our values and make sure that the choices we make align with those every day.

Next, we ‘rebuild’. We do a full life inventory and get clear on the areas of our life we are happy with, and which areas need some work.

Finally, we ’thrive’. We dream big, we get excited for the future, and we make plans to ensure that this becomes our reality. I promise you, with a bit of time, lots of compassion and some careful re-framing, a break-up can be the best thing to ever happen to a woman! It’s an opportunity for us to figure out exactly who we are and what we want from our life, and it can be the most empowering journey. 

Your recovery plan sounds amazing! How can we stay in touch with you?

You’ll find me at @coaching.by.sarah on Instagram.

Although my focus is supporting women through break-ups and helping them to thrive in their single life, I think there is something for everyone on my page! I’d love to connect with you on there and I hope you find something that comforts you, resonates with you and inspires you.