I admitted myself to a psychiatric hospital
As I am writing this, I am scared about what people will think of me after reading this blog. The majority of my friends do not know that I was even in hospital, let alone a psychiatric hospital or the reasons why.
Should I keep this to myself? Will I be judged? Will it change people's opinion of me? Will people understand? These were some of the many thoughts that popped into my head.
Then I remembered the reason that I started my Balance Life Well blog, and that was to help people know that they are not alone in their difficulties with their mental health or mental ill-health. That there is nothing to be ashamed of in being mentally unwell and that their illness(es) doesn’t define them. And last but not least, that there is support out there.
At the beginning of July, I was voluntarily admitted into a psychiatric hospital for a month. I decided to go to rehab when I realised that my drug use was spiralling out of control and was taking over my life. My use was increasing month by month, as well as the consequences of my use.
My drug of choice was cannabis (weed), specifically skunk. I started smoking it when I was around 17 year's old, I am now 26. After almost a decade of smoking weed, I realised (after many attempts) that I couldn't stop using on my own and that I needed help.
I started smoking as I enjoyed the giggles it gave me when I initially smoked it (although this positive side effect quickly disappeared after several occasions of usage) and it also helped with my insomnia. As time went on, it quickly became a coping strategy to deal with my mental illness, thoughts, emotions and the rollercoaster of life. It then became a way of life, something that I didn’t know how to live without.
My boyfriend moved in with me almost a year ago, which meant that the extent of my use became very apparent to him. I had lost motivation to do anything except for smoke weed to make the days pass quicker and block out my thoughts and problems. In the midst of this, I had also lost motivation to see friends, exercise, leave the house, lead a healthy lifestyle, my appearance and so much more.
My ultimate reason for going to rehab was that I didn’t want to ruin my relationship but I also wanted to live a life where I no longer rely on weed; where I learn to be happy and comfortable with myself and one where I value myself and my life more. Instead of hiding from everything and burying my thoughts.
What's the problem with smoking weed anyway?
Besides the more obvious consequences of smoking, for example lung damage and an increased risk of cancer, continuous cannabis use can lead to psychotic illnesses, such as psychosis and schizophrenia. It can also negatively impact your reproductive system, overall mental health and much more.
For me, the negative side effects of smoking cannabis were:
The munchies (I overate almost every time after I smoked)
Drowsiness and sleepiness
Made me unproductive
Worsened my existing mental health issues
Made me antisocial
Decreased my self-confidence
Caused me to isolate myself
Mental obsession
Made me lie and become manipulative to my loved ones.
Within a few days of being at rehab, I started to realise that I was an addict. It is (sadly) impossible for me to just have 1 joint and leave it at that. My mental obsession and compulsion makes it impossible for that to happen.
What is addiction?
When we think of an addict, we usually associate this with a drug addict and picture someone living on the streets with no teeth etc, like we see in movies. However, addiction is actually more complex than that and a lot more common than you may think. The charity Action on Addiction state that 1 in 3 people are addicted to something. That something could be drugs, alcohol, food, gambling, work, shopping, social media and more.
Addiction is when you do not have control over doing, taking or using something which can be harmful to you. It is a complex, chronic and progressive disease, which is considered a brain disorder (NIH, 2020). The disease effects the brain system specifically involving the reward, motivation and memory elements of the brain. Addicts cannot stop their (in my case drug-taking) behaviour or control their cravings, regardless of the negative consequences of their behaviour, without getting help (Sack, 2020).
If you take drugs, this does not automatically make you an addict. Some people can take drugs and not be an addict, whereas others who have a predisposition or has certain risk factors in their life (for example genes, environment and development) are more likely to be an addict (NIH, 2020). There is a lot of research that suggests that you are born an addict with between 40 to 60% of a vulnerability to addiction being made from an individual's genetics.
Once I had begun to emotionally open up in rehab, it was identified that my primary addiction was in fact food and that narcotics (drugs) was my secondary addiction. I was initially very hesitant to admit this as it holds a lot of shame for me, more so than drugs funnily enough. But as I explored the literature around 'compulsive overeating', I quickly realised that my addiction did start with food, in early childhood, and had then become a gateway drug onto cannabis as I got into my teenage years. This is known as 'cross addiction' and is extremely common.
It has not been an easy process exploring my addictions and past trauma, it's fair to say that the first 2 weeks of being in hospital was probably the most difficult time of my life. Since leaving rehab, I have had to set aside 2 hours a day to work on my recovery and continued sobriety. This is something that I will have to continue to do for the remainder of my life, however, this time is likely to reduce over time once I become more stable in my recovery. Spending this time each day working on my recovery is helping me not only manage my addictions but also my overall mental health.
I am looking forward to living a life free from my addictions, where I am in control of my life rather than being controlled by a substance and behaviour.
This blog simply scratches the surfaces of my experience and what I learnt in rehab, if you are interested in knowing more, please let me know and keep an eye out for related upcoming blogs.
If my lovely readers are interested, I hope to write about:
My experience of rehab (during lockdown!)
Addiction, including food addiction and cross addiction
How I am managing my sobriety from my addictions and my recovery