How to strive for balance and move away from perfectionism

Today’s conversation is with the inspiring Amelia Kirk.

We discuss balance, boundaries, perfectionism and more. This blog is empowering and thought-provoking, with some great practical tips. I can’t wait for you to read it.

Please could you tell us a bit about you.

I’m Amelia, I’m a life balance and mindset coach working specifically with new & aspiring entrepreneurs to transform their mindset so that they can build a business with balance at it’s core and ultimately create a life that they love.  

I would love to know a bit more about your story and what led you to your work?

There are so many pieces to the jigsaw puzzle of a person’s life and I truly believe that everything that happens has led us to where we are and where we are meant to be.  For me there have been a few key moments that inspired me to make changes in my life and ultimately end up where I am now!

Back in 2019, just before I was due to go on a sabbatical from work to travel for 6 months I found myself so overwhelmed, stressed and burnt out that I knew I would be signed off from work, if I went to the doctor. Of course, my reaction was to power through and not go for that appointment I desperately needed.  While away on a trip of lifetime I had to face the reality that my anxiety was not down to work alone.  I had a number of incidents and struggles on that trip and finally on returning to London, 6 weeks earlier than planned, I booked that doctor’s appointment. 

One thing that has stayed with me since that day was my doctor asking me if I thought my work was sustainable (I was, at the time an Operations Manager in the largest luxury health club in Europe.)  I said no, I didn't think it was sustainable but that all my friends in very different industries were having the same sort of problems,. No balance. Overworked. Stressed.  It was normal. 

I didn’t see how I could ever not feel that way.

She said to me just because it’s normal doesn’t mean that it’s ok.

Well that was a pretty defining moment for me.  Just because we see things as normal doesn’t mean that is what we should accept.  We don’t need to accept that a job has to be stressful or that a business has to take up all your time. ​

We can challenge that.
We can make different choices.
We can carve a new path for ourselves.

This then led me to explore other options, what on earth was I going to do now?  What would give me the sense of balance, progress and fulfilment that I was seeking?

I came across coaching after a decade of changing between different callings and careers.

​I immediately knew that this was the path for me and I became qualified coach.

Another key moment for me was realising that I could change my job, change my entire profession but end up in the exact same situation of burnout and stress if I didn’t change the underlying issues. 

 If I didn’t let go of my people pleasing and perfectionism I would never be able to create balance and live a life I truly loved.

Since then it has become my mission to help other new and aspiring entrepreneurs transform their mindset so that they can build a business with balance at it’s core to allow them to create a life they love.

To allow them to overcome the fear of what others think so we can put our ideas and businesses out into the world.   So we can build confidence and courage in ourselves and implement strategies and habits for success that will move us forward.

I love that, I think there are so many of us that feel like its normal to feel overworked and stressed at work. And we don’t often challenge that belief to improve our overall happiness.
Your coaching has a focus on balance, something that we are all looking to find at some stage in our lives. What is balance to you? 

So firstly I would say, and it’s a big misconception we all make, that balance isn’t something you find.  It is something that you create and then actively choose to maintain!

For me, balance is about having the energy I want for the things I love in my life. It’s about not letting one element of my life overshadow everything else.  It’s also acknowledging that balance doesn’t mean everything is equal but that you are happy with the time you are creating for each area of your life and knowing there will be ebbs and flows where something will be a higher priority.

I couldn’t agree more, its definitely something we have to create for ourselves. There is so much going in the world at the moment and it is hard not to be overwhelmed by this. People are now working from home as well which tends to blur the lines between work and play even more. How do you think we can achieve balance?

I think our boundaries are so integral to us being able to find balance.  When the lines are blurred we have to actively work harder to separate those areas of our lives.  I think it is important to understand we have to make an effort, it won’t just magically happen on it’s own.  It can be incredibly simple steps that we put in place such as actually putting your laptop away at the end of your work day.  I speak to so many people that say they never do this and then wonder why the lines are blurred. 

Start small, those small steps will all build up over time so a few tips is to have a separate space for work, if you can.  Not all of us are in a position to do so which means you will need to work a bit harder to create that physical boundary as well as mental boundary. Put your laptop away, take your e-mails off your phone, book yourself into an exercise class or a call with friends so that you have a greater incentive to finish work on time.

I love those tips, boundaries are so important. A lot of us can tend to be perfectionists at times, especially when its related to something we really care about. How can we begin to let go of this tendency?

I think one of the most important things we can do is to keep telling ourselves that perfect doesn’t exist.  We know it doesn’t.  Yet we still strive for it.  I have worked really hard to remove the word perfect from my vocabulary as much as possible.  It would also be the word I would  use to finish a text exchange or similar, it rolls off the tongue “Ok perfect”.  By taking time to acknowledge the language we are using we can raise our awareness and keep reminding ourselves perfect isn’t a thing.  A quote I have shared before which I think is so powerful is to remember that “if we only accept perfect we reduce our impact on the world” We need more people making an impact in the world!

I also think that with perfectionism, we can struggle to say no to people or tasks as we fear letting people down etc. Where do you think this fear comes from?

We want to be liked and accepted.  It is built into our DNA from evolutionary times when we needed to be accepted by our tribe to survive.  I think understanding that can allow us to be a bit kinder to ourselves. It’s not surprising that it is a difficult habit to break! It’s about taking a moment to realise those are not the times we live in anymore, there is so much pressure on us that we couldn’t possibly go through life saying yes to everything and everyone and never let any one down. 

You no longer need other people’s approval to survive.

I love that, those words are so empowering! Sadly there is a lot of pressure in society today that we need to have it all; the ‘perfect’ job, the ‘perfect’ relationship, the ‘perfect’ body etc. How can we begin to combat that relentless pressure?

It’s that old perfect word again, see how much trouble it gets us into! Again it is about taking it back to truly knowing that perfect doesn’t exist. 

Another way language trips us up here is the idea of having it all.  We can’t have it ALL.  There is so much in the world we could never have all of it.  But we have made having it all mean having the relationship, the career and the family. That is possible but we have to let go of comparisons.  You will never know the inner workings of someone else’s life whether that be an influencer on social media or your best friend.  There is simply no point in comparing.  Not that that makes it easy to stop!

But it’s about taking decisive action to do something about it. We say “ oh I must stop comparing” but we don’t put any habits or systems into place to actually help us do that! Don’t simply unfollow someone, unfollow someone AND look at the relationship you have with social media.  This is one of those times where we try to solve the symptom of something rather than the underlying problem. 

I agree, the language we use is so powerful and self-fulfilling. How can we begin to move away from that narrative to put our needs first?

Get clear on what your needs are! And get clear on why you want to put them first.  And this might be for reasons outside of yourself. 

It might be that having no boundaries at work is impacting your mental health and/or your relationship with friends/family or a partner.  Then when you are faced with a decision or feel backed into a corner you can connect with your why and remember how important it is and you are less likely to just fold under the pressure.  

What are your top tips for someone who feels that they are at breaking point and want to create change in their life?

Ask for help! You do not need to be perfect (you can’t be!) You do not need to do it all yourself.  Use this moment as a catalyst for change. It doesn’t have to be scary.  You just need to take one small step forward in the right direction and then keep taking those steps!