My new diagnosis

The more I learnt about mental illness and myself, the more I started to think that I have the wrong diagnosis. I’ve been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for a number of years, and I do think there are definitely elements of depression and anxiety at play for me, but I don’t have the ‘typical’ depressive episodes where I have low mood for a few days or weeks. I have mood swings and I am quick to get irritated, particularly with those close to me. I can be happy and then sad or angry within the space of a couple of minutes. I had asked my therapists before whether they thought I had any other mental illnesses as something didn’t feel quite right and my medication was only effective for a year or so. Nothing more became of this but it was always in the back of my head when I had mood swings.

When I was in rehab, I had 4 therapists and a psychiatrist. I was having a heated conversation with one of the psychotherapists (in my defence I was withdrawing at the time, but he was rude to me and I couldn’t let it go lol). I had another of my therapists there as a witness to the conversation, a man that I continued to have as a therapist even after I had left rehab.

A couple days after this meeting, my (nice) therapist asked me to come and speak with him. He mentioned that he noticed whilst I was ‘speaking’ (more like a heated discussion) that within 5 minutes I had gone through a range of emotions very quickly. It had been playing on his mind after the conversation and he asked me a few questions. He then said that he thinks I have Borderline Personality Disorder. This was like a lightbulb moment for me. It all suddenly made sense.

As he was a therapist, he was unable to officially diagnose me as this requires a psychiatrist. I wanted to get a diagnosis from the psychiatrist straight away, but I was told I would have to wait until I was clean for 6 months.

At the beginning of this year, I was finally able to see a psychiatrist to see whether he also thought I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I was taken through the ICD-10 test and it was confirmed that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, but of the impulsive type. Which is otherwise known as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. I hadn’t heard of this before, he explained that people tend to use Borderline Personality Disorder as an umbrella term when there are in fact two different types of Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. The impulsive type and the borderline type (which is where Borderline Personality Disorder stems from).

The image to the right shows the similarities and differences between the impulsive type and the borderline type.

I was told that this is likely why the antidepressants I was on have no longer been effective, as they would marginally numb the mood swings but not eradicate them. I was recommended to go on different medication which is used for Bipolar Disorder and gradually reduce my antidepressants at the same time. I have been on the new medication for about 2 months now and whilst there have been down days and side effects when decreasing my antidepressants, I feel like this is the only medication that has begun to reduce my mood swings and my irritability.

Once I have finished increasing my new medication and found a dose that works for me, I will be able to start Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT), as recommended by my psychiatrist.

I have written this blog to highlight that you should always trust your gut instinct. If you think something isn’t right, don’t be afraid to talk to someone about it. If it wasn’t for that therapist flagging it to me, I may have still been wondering whether I have the right diagnosis and I might still be on the wrong medication.

No one knows you better than you know yourself.